1. Begin with Awareness: As is so frequently the case, we cannot change something until we know it is happening. The first step then is to notice when you are blaming yourself. Try to do this non-judgmentally, just noticing or noting. Put it into words if you can: “Oh! I’m having judgmental thoughts,” or “I’m calling myself names.”
The trick is not to interpret or judge yourself or your thoughts.
2. Check the Content: What exactly are you blaming yourself for having said or done? Self-blame limits our ability to see and discern what is actually happening in a particular situation or with the other person’s behavior. Are you calm enough to accurately decipher what is happening?
3. Storyline and Back-Tracking: After you have reality-checked the content, notice the story you are telling yourself about the encounter/event. Is this a repeating story—one you tell yourself often? Or a different version of the same old story? How far back can you remember this general theme?
The goal here is to track the judgement as far back into childhood as you can remember, and then finding compassion for that young version of you. Were you actually over-blamed (scapegoated) as a child? Or did you make incorrect assumptions, as most of us do even as adults? You may also have gained a feeling of control, lessening anxiety and allowing you to imagine that if you were the problem, you could also “fix” the problem. (Also see: the Good Enough Childhood)
4. Self-Compassion is not as easy as it sounds and can even bring up more self-criticism. Putting words to the wish “May I be happy” might bring up memories of times when you were not happy. When negative self-talk is habitual, it may become even stronger in the face of kindness and compassion, perhaps to warn you from the terrible disappointment that, in the past, was so often inevitable. Kindness and compassion can sometimes leave us feeling vulnerable, especially if self-judgment and criticism were used as defenses against knowing and feeling.
Practicing Self-Compassion can begin with acting like and talking to yourself as you would someone you care about who is suffering. Getting familiar and comfortable with self-compassion is most effectively practiced through mindfulness. Mindfulness allows us to stay in the present with a non-judgmental mind, allowing for what is, and for curiosity.
Excellent and free self-compassion resources are available at http://www.tarabrach.com. In particular, check out her RAIN meditation which helps us Recognize, Allow for, Investigate, and Nurture our way to happier and calmer lives. Also very interesting and helpful: Kristin Neff’s self-compassion meditations at http://www.self-compassion.org/.
