Some of our most painful (and pervasive) thoughts are those that circle around self-blame, shame, self-criticism, perfectionism, self-presentation, and self-expectation. Pessimistic thoughts can lead to negative emotions, and vice versa, creating an overwhelming internal monologue of inaccurate and distorted thinking.
To add insult to insult, these thoughts can also occur in combination with anxiety and/or depression, in their shorter-term versions—situational sadness and worry—as well as the more intrusive (less explicable) long-term varieties.
Add another potent ingredient to this already complex mix: the fact that children are developmentally egocentric (natural narcissists). Only gradually, as we grow up, do we gain the neurological capacity to know that there are other children and families in this wide world. And because children, with their limited ability to contextualize, believe the world rotates around them, they often also believe that they have more power than they actually have, and assume the blame. Can feelings of guilt or grandiosity, then, be residue from our early years?
While we know that learning from our mistakes and taking appropriate responsibility is an important part of growing a healthy sense of self, we also know that we learn coping skills from the people around us, by watching how they manage big emotions. And our parents/caretakers learned the same thing from the people who raised them. We also share a similar mix of generic factors that guide neurological and characterological responses and capacities. (Also see: the Good Enough Childhood)
Did our families know to teach us that all of our greatest problems stem from our amazing strengths—and are the flip-side of the coin? That people who struggle with impulsivity are often go-getters? That controlling, pushy people can become amazing leaders? That our amazing skills at math may preclude verbal acuity?
Did the people who raised us know NOT to continue talking when they were hyper-aroused in order to avoid blurting out comments that hurt those they love? Did they know how to model appropriate behavior by stopping to calm themselves down? We can only hope to break negative thought cycles if we can learn from our mistakes, and know that the courage to try new things inevitably results in some failures along the way. It is also important to keep in mind—reinforced again and again in broad-based studies, that we cannot learn in a state of high emotion—if we are too sad or afraid or angry. (Also see: Triggers and the Window of Tolerance)
Yes indeed-y, the fact that learning requires a calm state of mind is one of the reasons why so many very intelligent people didn’t do well in school and therefore have a (false) critical loop circling about their lack of intelligence. Too often, they have been too jostled by life at home—or too overlooked/ignored—to be present enough to sit quietly in a chair; and if they could sit still, then focus on the lesson. They may also have lacked capacity to manage their big emotions when they lost the game at recess. . . or lost the ball. . . the spelling bee. . . anything.
The less healthy ways we manage conflict include projecting the blame onto others around us. Or, in the opposite direction, hoarding the blame and believing we are the entire problem. Emotional neglect erodes our ability to hold a positive sense of self in light of the mistakes we all make as we grow and learn, even as adults. Emotional connection is the key ingredient in helping children develop a sense of self and an accurate picture of who they are. When emotions are not a part of family life, it is an absence we have no idea should ever have been present. And again, we are left to blame ourselves.
Unfortunately, patterns of behavior and patterns of responses easily become negative feedback loops because neurons that repeatedly fire together become wired together. A good visual is a roller coaster click, click, clicking up to the highest peak, followed by the inevitable plunge into self-blame. (Also see: Your Brain and Trauma)
Read on for how to flip negative thinking in our next serving: Recipe for Self-Awareness, Patience, Kindness, and Compassion.
